Unimaginable Clash of the Idiots

(Celebrity Death Match, P.I. style.)

(Public notice: If you have been reading some of my entries (I wish you do). You would probably come across some “F” words and swears. I’m guilty of it.. I won’t apologize. I express my disgust thru it. PI stands for many things.. The Philippines, Pressing Issues, Public Issues and Political Issues.. It is just that I am disgusted with how this world is being run by corrupt leaders and walked by people who don’t know where they stand. The word “fuck” isn’t as heavy compared to: president Arroyo stealing food and other necessities from the poor to fund her political agenda and campaigns. Compared to Bush, ravaging the Middle-east countries, gaining control of international oil export industries. Think of it? One million “F” words compared to their evil doings and thousand more politicians, bastards and whores corrupting Earth? Who’s meaner and ruder and badder? Fuck them all! They deserve it..)

Time Out!
(Something worthless before we start pressing issues.)

Characters and creatures from television anime series, sci-fi movies and the gaming world square off in The First Ever P.I. Invitational Tournament.

No one imagined this could happen.. But here its is.. Pressing Issues’ first “Contest of Champions,” where the celebrities of different dimensions duke it out for the bloodthirsty pleasure of you, the P.I. Reader. In this incarnation, we’ve culled the multiverse of MMORPG, Anime, Sci-Fi Movies, Lan Games, T.V. shows, Books.. Etc.. picked the cream of fictional crop and set them against one another. It’s the TKO at WORX.. The fisticuffs at Five Rings! Celebrity Death Match! The conflagration at.. argh! the hell with it.

1st Round of Death Match.

Goblin Techies
Origin: DOTA All-Stars, War Craft, Frozen Throne
Height: 4 feet something
Weight: 12 tons
Reach: 30”

VS.

Godzilla
Origin: ??
Height: 40 Stories (+2” in heels)
Weight: n/a
Reach: 15 Stories

Will the Dino from Down Under finally meet his own match in Suicide Bomber Tech Mech? Or is this merely destined to be a rematch of the epic Godzilla/Mechagodzilla bout of 1974? Can the goblins in a glorified tin can accomplish what more than a dozen movies could not – kill off ‘Zilla before he gets his own star on the Walk of Fame?

Round One: Uh-oh. The Techies contends that Godzilla has failed to specify what origin he is representing. This could spell doom for ‘Zilla. While the judges are debating, the big green guy pulls out a copy of Macho Women with Guns. Obscure, yes, but Godzilla has stats in the game, and thus is a legal game monster.

Round Two: The Techies’ challenge really pisses off ‘Zilla. He whips out his his Swiss army knife. Could it be? Yes! He’s going for the can opener!

Round Three: The techies takes off. Bye-bye downtown Tokyo.

Round Four: Godzilla opens up the Techies like a can of sardines. The atomic lizard slurps the Goblin jocks down as if they were overcooked ramen noodles.

Winner: Godz-

Round Five: Wait! A sudden explosion was heard around the ‘Zilla, he looks a little greener than usual around the gills… EVERYBODY CLEAR THE AREA, HE’S GOING DOWN!

Round Six: The judges busily consulting a veterinarian for ruling.

Round Seven: Godzilla’s tail moves.. and out pops the Goblin jocks, shaking off digestive juices and waiving to the fans. Guess Godzilla can’t handle this suicide bomber sushi. A definite MONSTER KILL!!!

Winner: Goblin Techies

2nd Round of Deatch Match

Roronoa Zoro
Origin: One Piece
Height: 5’8”
Weight: 145 lbs.
Reach: 58” (includes three 24” katana)
Dream: Defeat Dracule (Hawk Eyes) Mihawk, Mikel’s mortal enemy

V.S.

Obi-Wan Kenobi
Origin: Star Wars
height: 5’10”
Weight: 160 lbs.
Reach: 65” (includes 30” lightsaber)
Protégé: Luke Skywalker, whining farmboy Jedi

They say age and treachery will outwit youth and skill. What about age and skill? Roronoa Zoro is known to be one of the best bounty hunter and known for his master swordsmanship, he can slice through hundreds of aggressors without breaking a sweat. Obi-Wan’s eligible for Social Security on Tatooine, but a Jedi knight can give any samurai a run for his koku. When blades start flashing, it’s time to separate the men from the boys.

Round One: Roronoa Zoro slips into a fighting stance. “I stand for honor,” Obi-Wan glares, “I stand for honor.” Zoro: “Really? What about respect, duty, training and crew?” Kenobi: “These are the values of a Jedi.” Zoro: “Hmm.. Maybe we’re not supposed to fight after all. Join us and sail in the name of our captain Monkey D. Luffy! But if you insist to fight me then one sword is enough for you.” Kenobi: “Captain?!? One sword? You must fall, Arrogant pirate scoundrel!”

Round Two: Obi-Wan stares at his foe, hand on his light saber, awaiting the proper moment. Zoro stares back trusting his instincts to show him the way.

Round Three to Nine: More meditation. You can feel the power charging the air between these competitors.

Round Ten to Twenty Two: You can also feel the grass growing beneath your feet.

Round Twenty Three: A cricket chirps. Roronoa Zoro draws his Sword as a blue beam rises to meet it. Obi-Wan gasps as the blow unharmed. “My sword weighs heavier than yours.” (Same line he said to the octopus samurai he encountered at Arlong Park. yum yum calamari!) smiles Zoro.

Round Twenty Four to Twenty Seven: The two swordsmen trade strikes until. Zoro’s blade slices a gash across Obi-Wan’s belly. Kenobi slumps oblibingly to the ground. “You… ..are a worthy adversary. May the Force… ..be with you..” Zoro sips his sake. “Ah, But Kenobi-san.. I have force. And nakama.”

Winner: Roronoa Zoro

More Death Matches coming soon.. Watch out for it!