(First P.I. “Talk show style” Entry)
Now, the subject that we will be discussing on Pressing Issues with me, J.E.(Jay E) short for Josh Espi and not for Je for that would mean Jaysen, for your enlightenment and enjoyment is a very serious Topic: Public Safety. In case you haven't noticed, Philippine streets aren’t safe nowadays. These are troubled times. We are troubled people. Some would say, “We are people at war with ourselves.” Others say, “We are at war with reality.” Those who live in other countries and strive to own our fast food restaurants and Super Marts would say, “We are blood-thirsty bunch of crazies who let children buy guns from the super markets.” Another opinion is that it is the fault of society. That, as Plato said, "People don't mean to kill each other." It happens because they are poor or desperate or really thirsty or in need of a vacation or something. Another view is that we are all little confused and really should stay home, locked in doors and forget about everything as much as possible. So, let's press the issue, eh?!
I will attack this issue with a different style.. “Boring kasi mag-basa di ba?” So I decided to come up with a fictional talk show. Three divergent opinions. Three contrasting points of view. Three separate items of insanity in a rolling sea of stupidity. Three fictional speakers.
(Characters and script are entirely fictional, Anyone or any lines resembling someone or some issues you know of, might be purely coincidental.)
CAST:
THE POLITICIAN: My slogan would be "It's okay to be rich, as long as you say you care about the children." Sounds like it only appeals to the rich people right? anyway poor, illiterate people won’t understand what it means. But to be fair.. My campaign also appeals to the poor... Who are too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I’ll hold up pretty pictures and then give out candy bars to appeal to their most base instincts: Mayor Madrid.
THE ACTIVIST: I’m from the opposite end of the political spectrum. I’m so wet, makes me look like I just stepped out of the shower. Peace Corps activist, hippie concert taper, founder of the group "Speaking for the Underdog". Fluent in seven languages and studied the harp in Peru: Rich-kid Jaykore.
THE NINJA: And lastly, we have a man with a noble solution to the problems of public safety in our country. A solution so stupid, I cannot bring myself to explain it for him. Yet, like break dancing, it is sadly catching on. A man who appears on this fine forum because our previous know-it-all panelist was car-jacked and is now at home arming himself to the teeth. I give you: “Ninja, Taong Grasa ng 7-11.”
THE HOST: Some frustrated actor ex-party, circus clown named Jericho
Host: So, before we get started, gentlemen, let me remind you of the rules of engagement. Here on Pressing Issues, Pressing Issues is about free speech, not feeding each other hemlock, literally or metaphorically.
Ninja: My daddy used to grow that stuff in the back woods in our place. HOOOWEEE! I tell you what!
Host: Yes, thank you! I expect you to listen to each other and I will only step in when necessary only so people on Earth don't forget what my voice sounds like, hehe. I want a clean fight. Nothing below the belt or in the chops. And remember My moto, which a very wiseman, my father, once told me, "If you listen, one day you might be heard and when in doubt, use the smell test." That's important I think. Don't you? So, mayor, let's start with you. Crime is up, people are scared to walk the streets, nobody is taking public transportation, police morale is at an all-time low, everyone is killing and maiming and giving each other the finger, metaphorically speaking. Do you think the government is doing a good job?
Mayor Madrid: Absolutely! Those statistics are interesting, but like all statistics, they are also irrelevant. Let me give you a better statistic, Jericho. In 1980, when I was elected and you were, according to the intelligence gathered on you, a man with no mission. You worked as a clown at birthday parties, corporate functions, bar mitzvahs, and go-go bars. You, realizing that you were a hollow man that can only take on the personality of others, decided to become an actor... And despite going up for 17 auditions that year, you only got work as a clapper in a sex ed. video. Your tax returns show that you earn less than P100. Suffering from anxiety, you attended a group therapy for a year and considered getting a sex change. An idiot politician felt sorry for you and now you host your own show, write a newspaper column (that lines my bird cage), you got an ex-wife and an attractive girlfriend although she's married to your best friend, and you're on top of the world. So answer me this... Can you really say the years of living under my administration have been bad for you?
Host: Eh, eh. We are not talking about me. This is Pressing Issues, not Pressing Jericho.
Jaykore: Yes, excuse me if I may. Can we get to the part where we press the issue?
Mayor Madrid: You see, that's what's wrong with this city. Politicians just want to open the floodgates, let anyone in, and make you, the ordinary hard-working men and women pay for the pleasure. Well, you have my permission to beat them with sticks. We won't prosecute. You'd be doing us all a favor! Free love, wig out, don't work, make love in the field, and listen to rock-n-roll or whatever you call it. Meanwhile, Jaykore, I know your father. He's made a lot of money which makes him a great person, but for every good conservative they end up having some wacko, commie kid just back from a vacation who wants to share. Go take that sharing business to Indonesia or Vietnam or somewhere else. I don't have a trust fund or a rich daddy. I know what it is to be poor and to look at the world from the other side. I slipped my way to the top.
Ninja: Ehem, if you two would stop, uh, hootin' and carryin' on, I have a plan that will save Philippines from the yellow-bellied snakes that want to slither into this great city from all places.
Mayor Madrid: Oh, look. Stump-jumpin' Grease boy is using all three of his brain cells to talk!
Host: Enough! We've just started and you have proved yourself, Mr. Madrid, to be just as theysaid. I grant you, 1990 was not a high point in my career, but I never applied for a sex change. I was merely in an exploratory phase and besides which, The Wheat-free clown was a funny act! Once voted the best up-incoming dietary restrictive comic act in the whole of the city. I tried to take it to the T.V.s, but ABS and GMA was full. Besides, we are not talking about me. We are talking about you.
Mayor: Actually, if I remember correctly, you didn't win.. Your application have been rejected with the auditions of Feeling Pogi in a n afternoon vareity show.. What’s funny with acting like a vegetable? In fact, under legislation I am proposing, all of you vegetarians will be kicked out of this city. We were given canines and bicuspids for a reason.. To open packages of potato chips.
Host: Hey! Don't get wrong! I always hated that show bitch! What's funny about Wally and Jose? or miming saving a chicken from the slaughterer's hands? ...Or their big acts? How do you hink a little kiddie enjoyed those shows on his birthday? Not very much. There were tears, not laughter, I can assure you. Vegetarian performance art must be stopped! And excuse me mister mayor, You’re not a congressman to dare talk about legislation. Early campaigning?
Ninja: Jumpin' Jehoshaphat on a pogo stick! You city slickers got more issues than a news stand!Can we talk about public safety here? I ain't got all day!
Host: What? Is there a corn-on-the-cob eating contest you have to get to? You have some chitilins and grits in the oven? You got a date with your sister, eh?
Jaykore: Hey, be nice man! I just want to talk a little politics and you made it all personal.
Host: Right, let's all stop bickering, especially you Madrid. I've got my eye on you. Public confidence is at an all-time low. Nobody feels safe anymore. Just the other night, I saw a man running amuck ith a gun shouting he needed to defend himself. Gun sales are up, book sales are down. What do you think, Ninja. Please, press the issue!
Ninja: All right, that's better! Sticking to the matter at hand... Well, it's quite simple mister. Immigration is to blame. People are flooding into cities from all Provinces. Trash! It's quite simple. They're bringing their high polluting, uppity, out-of-city ways and corrupting the place. Ruin it! That's why I and my organization propose we take the cities out of the Country. We start anew as our own country and ban people from any provinces and other countries or any of
I will attack this issue with a different style.. “Boring kasi mag-basa di ba?” So I decided to come up with a fictional talk show. Three divergent opinions. Three contrasting points of view. Three separate items of insanity in a rolling sea of stupidity. Three fictional speakers.
(Characters and script are entirely fictional, Anyone or any lines resembling someone or some issues you know of, might be purely coincidental.)
CAST:
THE POLITICIAN: My slogan would be "It's okay to be rich, as long as you say you care about the children." Sounds like it only appeals to the rich people right? anyway poor, illiterate people won’t understand what it means. But to be fair.. My campaign also appeals to the poor... Who are too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I’ll hold up pretty pictures and then give out candy bars to appeal to their most base instincts: Mayor Madrid.
THE ACTIVIST: I’m from the opposite end of the political spectrum. I’m so wet, makes me look like I just stepped out of the shower. Peace Corps activist, hippie concert taper, founder of the group "Speaking for the Underdog". Fluent in seven languages and studied the harp in Peru: Rich-kid Jaykore.
THE NINJA: And lastly, we have a man with a noble solution to the problems of public safety in our country. A solution so stupid, I cannot bring myself to explain it for him. Yet, like break dancing, it is sadly catching on. A man who appears on this fine forum because our previous know-it-all panelist was car-jacked and is now at home arming himself to the teeth. I give you: “Ninja, Taong Grasa ng 7-11.”
THE HOST: Some frustrated actor ex-party, circus clown named Jericho
Host: So, before we get started, gentlemen, let me remind you of the rules of engagement. Here on Pressing Issues, Pressing Issues is about free speech, not feeding each other hemlock, literally or metaphorically.
Ninja: My daddy used to grow that stuff in the back woods in our place. HOOOWEEE! I tell you what!
Host: Yes, thank you! I expect you to listen to each other and I will only step in when necessary only so people on Earth don't forget what my voice sounds like, hehe. I want a clean fight. Nothing below the belt or in the chops. And remember My moto, which a very wiseman, my father, once told me, "If you listen, one day you might be heard and when in doubt, use the smell test." That's important I think. Don't you? So, mayor, let's start with you. Crime is up, people are scared to walk the streets, nobody is taking public transportation, police morale is at an all-time low, everyone is killing and maiming and giving each other the finger, metaphorically speaking. Do you think the government is doing a good job?
Mayor Madrid: Absolutely! Those statistics are interesting, but like all statistics, they are also irrelevant. Let me give you a better statistic, Jericho. In 1980, when I was elected and you were, according to the intelligence gathered on you, a man with no mission. You worked as a clown at birthday parties, corporate functions, bar mitzvahs, and go-go bars. You, realizing that you were a hollow man that can only take on the personality of others, decided to become an actor... And despite going up for 17 auditions that year, you only got work as a clapper in a sex ed. video. Your tax returns show that you earn less than P100. Suffering from anxiety, you attended a group therapy for a year and considered getting a sex change. An idiot politician felt sorry for you and now you host your own show, write a newspaper column (that lines my bird cage), you got an ex-wife and an attractive girlfriend although she's married to your best friend, and you're on top of the world. So answer me this... Can you really say the years of living under my administration have been bad for you?
Host: Eh, eh. We are not talking about me. This is Pressing Issues, not Pressing Jericho.
Jaykore: Yes, excuse me if I may. Can we get to the part where we press the issue?
Mayor Madrid: You see, that's what's wrong with this city. Politicians just want to open the floodgates, let anyone in, and make you, the ordinary hard-working men and women pay for the pleasure. Well, you have my permission to beat them with sticks. We won't prosecute. You'd be doing us all a favor! Free love, wig out, don't work, make love in the field, and listen to rock-n-roll or whatever you call it. Meanwhile, Jaykore, I know your father. He's made a lot of money which makes him a great person, but for every good conservative they end up having some wacko, commie kid just back from a vacation who wants to share. Go take that sharing business to Indonesia or Vietnam or somewhere else. I don't have a trust fund or a rich daddy. I know what it is to be poor and to look at the world from the other side. I slipped my way to the top.
Ninja: Ehem, if you two would stop, uh, hootin' and carryin' on, I have a plan that will save Philippines from the yellow-bellied snakes that want to slither into this great city from all places.
Mayor Madrid: Oh, look. Stump-jumpin' Grease boy is using all three of his brain cells to talk!
Host: Enough! We've just started and you have proved yourself, Mr. Madrid, to be just as theysaid. I grant you, 1990 was not a high point in my career, but I never applied for a sex change. I was merely in an exploratory phase and besides which, The Wheat-free clown was a funny act! Once voted the best up-incoming dietary restrictive comic act in the whole of the city. I tried to take it to the T.V.s, but ABS and GMA was full. Besides, we are not talking about me. We are talking about you.
Mayor: Actually, if I remember correctly, you didn't win.. Your application have been rejected with the auditions of Feeling Pogi in a n afternoon vareity show.. What’s funny with acting like a vegetable? In fact, under legislation I am proposing, all of you vegetarians will be kicked out of this city. We were given canines and bicuspids for a reason.. To open packages of potato chips.
Host: Hey! Don't get wrong! I always hated that show bitch! What's funny about Wally and Jose? or miming saving a chicken from the slaughterer's hands? ...Or their big acts? How do you hink a little kiddie enjoyed those shows on his birthday? Not very much. There were tears, not laughter, I can assure you. Vegetarian performance art must be stopped! And excuse me mister mayor, You’re not a congressman to dare talk about legislation. Early campaigning?
Ninja: Jumpin' Jehoshaphat on a pogo stick! You city slickers got more issues than a news stand!Can we talk about public safety here? I ain't got all day!
Host: What? Is there a corn-on-the-cob eating contest you have to get to? You have some chitilins and grits in the oven? You got a date with your sister, eh?
Jaykore: Hey, be nice man! I just want to talk a little politics and you made it all personal.
Host: Right, let's all stop bickering, especially you Madrid. I've got my eye on you. Public confidence is at an all-time low. Nobody feels safe anymore. Just the other night, I saw a man running amuck ith a gun shouting he needed to defend himself. Gun sales are up, book sales are down. What do you think, Ninja. Please, press the issue!
Ninja: All right, that's better! Sticking to the matter at hand... Well, it's quite simple mister. Immigration is to blame. People are flooding into cities from all Provinces. Trash! It's quite simple. They're bringing their high polluting, uppity, out-of-city ways and corrupting the place. Ruin it! That's why I and my organization propose we take the cities out of the Country. We start anew as our own country and ban people from any provinces and other countries or any of
them fancy places from settin' foot on our soil!
Madrid: You think what? Heh, have you been snortin' blocks? Have you read the Constitution?
Ninja: Yeah, I sure have. It talks about freedom. Freedom for cities our city from the stench of people movin' here to retire or going on vacation. Build your own damn theme park in your own damn place! City theme parks are for City people only! That's what I say. I mean, I don't go to other places to visit a theme park, so why do they come here?
Host: Mr. Ninja, your views are a little extreme. Plus, I don't believe there are theme parks in other provinces and even cities.
Ninja: Then they should stop commin' down my way and build Redneck Land or whatever. Damn redneck hicks ain't got no class! My views ain't extreme, mister, they're common sense, and what a lot of people would say if they had the guts. If you let people immigrate here from all
over the so-called "Philippines", guess what? There's no more room! We'll be piled on top of each other like they are in China. What we're going to do soon is build a river... A river of freedom. A river of hope. A river which runs from coast to coast that cuts us off from the other regions of wastrels and bad influcences to the east, west, south and north. We are going to cut our city off from the mainland of our oppressors and float out to sea. Then, our new nation will be free to start over. There're be no long-ass lines at the Long Flume or Pirate Ship ride when I take over! You and the kids will be able to ride the rides all day! We will have a rollercoaster for each and every family!
Host: You know, you're bordering on treason. What you are saying is a very naughty thing, and only because here on Pressing Issues do we believe so whole-heartedly in "free speech" we are allowing it.
Ninja: It's the truth, my friend, the damn truth, and before you start I am not a racist. I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues, but I especially hate Filipinos! By which I mean anyone from Philippines or further. Build your own theme parks, buy your own sun, grow your own damn mosquito-infested swamp, pal! We're going to build ourselves a river! NBI, CI- I don't give a damn! They can't stop us. You, Madrid! You yellow-bellied, tie-wearing, bribe-takin' hypocrit! What have you done for city up there in Malacanyang?
(By the way: Ninja thinks that 7-11 convenient stores are actually theme parks. >.<)
Madrid: You think what? Heh, have you been snortin' blocks? Have you read the Constitution?
Ninja: Yeah, I sure have. It talks about freedom. Freedom for cities our city from the stench of people movin' here to retire or going on vacation. Build your own damn theme park in your own damn place! City theme parks are for City people only! That's what I say. I mean, I don't go to other places to visit a theme park, so why do they come here?
Host: Mr. Ninja, your views are a little extreme. Plus, I don't believe there are theme parks in other provinces and even cities.
Ninja: Then they should stop commin' down my way and build Redneck Land or whatever. Damn redneck hicks ain't got no class! My views ain't extreme, mister, they're common sense, and what a lot of people would say if they had the guts. If you let people immigrate here from all
over the so-called "Philippines", guess what? There's no more room! We'll be piled on top of each other like they are in China. What we're going to do soon is build a river... A river of freedom. A river of hope. A river which runs from coast to coast that cuts us off from the other regions of wastrels and bad influcences to the east, west, south and north. We are going to cut our city off from the mainland of our oppressors and float out to sea. Then, our new nation will be free to start over. There're be no long-ass lines at the Long Flume or Pirate Ship ride when I take over! You and the kids will be able to ride the rides all day! We will have a rollercoaster for each and every family!
Host: You know, you're bordering on treason. What you are saying is a very naughty thing, and only because here on Pressing Issues do we believe so whole-heartedly in "free speech" we are allowing it.
Ninja: It's the truth, my friend, the damn truth, and before you start I am not a racist. I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues, but I especially hate Filipinos! By which I mean anyone from Philippines or further. Build your own theme parks, buy your own sun, grow your own damn mosquito-infested swamp, pal! We're going to build ourselves a river! NBI, CI- I don't give a damn! They can't stop us. You, Madrid! You yellow-bellied, tie-wearing, bribe-takin' hypocrit! What have you done for city up there in Malacanyang?
(By the way: Ninja thinks that 7-11 convenient stores are actually theme parks. >.<)
Madrid: I've ensured important tax breaks for gun retailers, real estate developers, and I've cut the cost of policing, saving the city 2%, or 25 cents per household, over a six year period.
Jaykore: At the expense of society. Think of the little people. Poor people have no voice in this city. Every time I find a park to meditate in, someone brings in a bulldozer and builds condos. The madness must stop.
Madrid: So you suggest we just stop making babies? People need a place to park their boat and trailer and to put their swimming pool. You're beginning to sound red, and by that I mean you prefer a hammer and sickle over a hamburger.
Jaykore: I'm not little. I'm 5'5". It's time for corporations and all of capitalism to step aside for naturalism. You're not saving this planet, you're spending it. Your credit is no good here. We can't afford to loan you anymore of our nature. Those are our trees. I only wish I could be around a little longer to enjoy it. I feel so old. Someone must take my legacy. I must train a little me!
Host: How old are you?
Jaykore: I'm 21, but I feel much older, and wiser. I know everything. I've seen a lot of the world.
Mayor: What does the rest of the world have to tell us about how to do things? Build more trains? Have people elect their leader rather than an elite electoral college? Ride a bike to work like a girl scout or a clown with dietary concerns? No thanks.
Ninja: I agree with that. People from other countries are good for nothing, that's why we have to keep teachin' them a lesson. I tell you what makes a real man. A truck to pull stuff and a couch to think on.
Jaykore: I'll tell you. Speaking as a sensualist, and by this I mean a very narrow-minded, incentered (?) man of peace.. Travel. I recently went to Europe. I think everyone should see it for a week. You really see what's wrong with this country when you visit a European utopia. Things like a journey, public transportation, health care, leather shorts, mustaches. When I went to Venice, I helped some villagers clear some land for an environmentally-friendly coal mine. We've all got to make some sacrifices if we're going to get anywhere. My dad gave me the money to set up an exciting trust there.
Host: But how does that help the people of our city from worrying about whether they are going to get robbed? What drives a man to just take?
Jaykore: What we need are more after-school sports like choir or drama, so people can learn to express themselves properly, by singing or pretending to be a tree. Have you ever heard a whale sing? It's a lonely form of beauty and some very ancient wisdom. Helping people to help themselves with drama and choir and flowers and my dad's money.
Mayor: Listen Trust Fund Jaykore, your ideas are pathetic. It's no wonder that mankind has woken up one day to find me in charge, amigo.
Host: Mr. Mayor, you got elected on a campaign promising to reduce taxes to zero.. But under your stewardship, we've seen taxes go up by 20% and services decline!
Mayor: No on is interested in your statistics, Jericho. Let me tell you something pal, I'm better than that. I will not- I shall not, I cannot stoop to your level. They assured me that this was a show that understood politics, where we can debate mano-a-mano, and I find myself having statistics hurled at me like so much stale confetti. We cannot boil people down to numbers! You have no idea, my friend, what it takes to serve, the sacrifices I've made to help my country, to help our city. The complexity of government, the.. the hideousness of my wife and.. the way her thighs grow like our national debt. Oh oh, sure.. Some people like that, but not me! It's a nightmare, my friend, and and and.. it's thrown back at me by an ingrate like you. I can scarcely get up in the morning.
Host: ..And with that outrageous revelation, let's take a break to tell you something very informative. You're logged to Pressing Issues on Sonicworx Public Blog. Over to you, Josh.
ME: Thanks Jericho.. Nothing really informative.. I hate to burst your bubble but.. P.I. Talk show will return after a few hours, or days, or weeks.. (depending on my ability to finish this stupid script.) errr... stupid microsoft word..
Special thanks to D.J. Lazlow for the idea and excerpts.
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