(Part 2 of 2)
Host: Welcome back to Pressing Issues with me, Jericho. On our panel, we've got the successionist lunatic, Ninja; Pro-administration rich kid, Jaykore; and Neo Facist mayor, Madrid. Gentlemen, welcome back. Let's start with you, Ninja. Why the P tatoo?
Ninja: I'm a patriot! I've even got an orange grove tattooed all over my groin!
Host: Excellent, but back to the matter at hand: Public safety. How do we get guns under control in this city?
Jaykore: By giving everyone hope.. A dream of a better tomorrow. By encouraging people to grow their own root vegetables. What's the satisfaction of holding a gun in your hand when you could be holding a hoe, planting seeds in a peasant village?
Mayor: Keep your "hoes" and "seeds" to yourself. We don't need gun control. If you read the Constitution, it's a sacred document that should not be changed. Under our constitution women couldn't vote, but the politicians come in crying crocodile tears. We need to get scare- mongers and non-believers, men like you Jericho, under control. I've got a good mind to get your funding removed.
Host: We don't get any funding.
Mayor: Exactly. But.. Good! Heh, you won't see a penny out of me! You've got to stop spreading these lies or I'll whip you myself and I'm not afraid. The Constitution inserts a man's right to bear arms, and... and arm bears, and all points in between. Who ever heard of a gun.. or a bear causing problems? This is all cockypop, or.. whatever that word is. It keeps the place safe. Trouble is caused by unemployment, and unemployment comes from poor, economic performance and lazy people. If you had job, would you steal a cellphone? Of course not! ..And if you had a high-rise condo, a mistress, uh... and a seat on the board, would you run around graffitiing your name all over town and making a nuisance of yourself, spinning on your back, and poppin' and lockin' and... Not a hope. It's simple. If you don't have a job, starve. Get out of my constituency by force if necessary, and starve.
Host: That's quite simple. Are you really saying that?
Mayor: Of course I am. Our city is a growing city, and of course there are going to be some growing pains. Well, what I tell people is this: Gather up your life savings, buy yourself a piece of swamp, drain it, and get rid of the damn wildlife, then apply for planning permission. Pretty soon, you can have your own retirement community or resort destination holiday place. You can start making money out of the boom, the... Madrid-inspired boom.. And enjoy the kind of things sensible people have: Personal bodyguards, massive fences, and a bigger collection of guns than the other guy. It stands the reason.
Ninja: No no no no! Keep them out of here! We DO NOT want anymore old folks! If there are any old people listening, go back to your homes! Our city does not want you! Please, die somewhere else! What's wrong with Hawaii or Hong Kong? We want a river! We need a river! The freedom river.
Host: ...And what about the other crimes? It seems car crime, fashion crime, Cell phone snatching crimes, drugs, everything is on the rise.
Jaykore: Absolutely, of course it is! When I was in Uganda people were poor, but they were happy. The more you have, the less you have. That's kind of what I'm all about. Their satisfaction in spending all day weaving a basket, rather than just buying one at the store. At one point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog. It was a dog of love, not of hate. It was a spirit journey.
Host: What ARE you talking about?!?!
Jaykore: I'm talking about hopes... Dreams... The magic of television. Especially public television. Puppets can say what men cannot.
Host: Yes, but how will that stop people taking basketballs flying and pounding the living crap out of each other as I saw at a mother's PTA group meeting recently?
Mayor: Basketball is our national sport- Our national passtime. Joining together as men to reward the act of running around in a circle. I will thank you not to take its name in vain, Jericho.
Ninja: I hate that Summer camp Training. Who do those guys think they are? Comin' here and gettin' in the way... Showin' us no respect! Drinkin' our orange juice and seducin' our womenfolk! Train in your own home, mister! Our national game down here, my friend, is diggin'! Diggin' a big ditch. A ditch of hope, which will flood into a river of freedom. So far, we've dug 17 feet. We're almost free.. Almost! When we are floatin' away in the South China Sea, free to run our way, singing, "Kumbaya!!" in the sunshine! No school, no tax! Free barbeque and pinball for everyone! Sophisticated entertainment!
Host: Yes, but what about the little guy? What about the guy who is standing there saying, "I like being part of Philippines. I like it a lot! I get public internet! I can read about Jericho hosting Pressing Issues! I own a small, one bedroom home.. A business selling flowers to people stuck in traffic.. A dog.. 15 ice cubes.. But I don't feel safe. I'm worried about gangs."
Mayor: Gangs are a myth put out by the pro-administration elite to patronize and demean the working man. I mean, what kind of right-minded youth from a poor background is going to spend his time stealing things and posing in silly clothes, when he could be getting ahead with a minimum wage job and making his parent proud? The dream of every Filipino is to live in a duplex and share a yard. Why.. Why would anyone want to threaten that great future? Answer me that and I'll show you a green dog.
Jaykore: ..And, Speaking for the Pirates, the foundation I set up for my trust fund.. We believe gangs are a valid expression of a people's identity. A grouping.. A community within a community. Gangs are a way to be noticed in the boxy suburbs. You scream out, rather than urinate at the edge of your camp like a proud native. We spray paint our names on the walls at the mall to ward off predators.
Host: ...And that's supposed to terrify people?
Jaykore: No, no! We believe passionately in non-violent solutions to life's problems. Gangs have to learn to love... To be inclusionary. We'd award badges to good gangs, and give bad gangs a silly hat to wear. It would give people something to feel a part of. Kill with kindness, not a garden tool.
Host: Yes, but what about the guy getting beaten up on the street.. or the man having his cell phone stolen? What about him?
Jaykore: ..Or her! Some of the best victims are really women. Anyone can join our group. This is about poor people getting together
Host: ..But your father owns half of this city. How are you part of the working class.
Jaykore: Like I said, possessions are not important at all. I'll pick up a hitchhiker in my convertible any day. The other day, I picked up a young woman and we discussed a non-violent solution to war. We called it peace.
Mayor: Your father is a great man. He's done more for the arms trade in this state than anyone else, myself included, and you shame him with this socialist jiggery-pokery-hoot-nanny. Philippines needs hope, not songs or are supposed to send food to the poor. Songs will get you nowhere. This country needs something to aim for, like being rich and laughing at poor people.. Or, being in government and laughing at the electorate.
Host: Now, now Mr. Madrid. Let's not make this personal. I appreciate your attempt to press the point, but we are here to press the issue! Our city is in trouble, and I think we are not really providing any serious solution. So far, we've got successionism, rearing it's ugly head for the first time in a century and a half. We've got "ignore it" and we've got "give everyone a flower"!You're all a little unrealistic, yes?
(all begin arguing incoherently)
Jaykore: Jericho!
Host: Not to say, "Over-opinionated and moronic," Mr. Jaykore, how do we stop people running amock in the city with machine guns and heavy artillery?
Jaykore: You got to give a man a chance. Prisons are overflowing with wasted potential. Make the guilty men innocent once more. Free them from themselves.
Host: How... How on Earth do you do that?
Jaykore: Well, um.. (brief pause) You can let them off-
Host: Marvelous, great! That's a sensible plan!
Jaykore: Then they wouldn't be guilty anymore!
Mayor: We've been doing that for years, you idiot. How do you think we keep prison costs down? It ain't by magic or cookin' the books (we save that for "education"), but as in most things we in government are saving money so that you don't have to. When we spend less money on services, more goes to administration salaries and expenses which helps make lives a lot less difficult for everybody. It's about sharing; Sharing your taxes out amongst the select few. That's why I worked so hard at school, so I can reap the rewards now.
Host: Mmm...I thought you worked hard at school because the other kids laughed at you and called you "Lampayatot".
Mayor: Tha-That's a damn lie! They called me "basang utot".
Jaykore: They called me "Kambing" because my voice didn't break until I was 19.
Host: So, Mr. Madrid, I take it you don't believe in regulation.
Mayor: I believe in giving people a chance. Not tying them down with lots of needless regulations. The fact is business is run by moral people who won't do anything illegal or try to get rich quickly.
Host: ..But since you got elected, this city has been characterized by a government who cut aid to the poor, offered tax breaks to the rich, and paid people to dump toxic waste near schools.
Mayor: Yes, we've made a lot of progress!
Host: ..And up on congress, you were instrumental in pushing through a bill allowing the manufacture and sale of "Giggle Cream", a dessert with potential lethal consequences.
Mayor: Uh... Not true! Only 23 people have died and several of them probably deserved it.
Host: So, with people being set such a bad example by big business, how are they supposed to respect each other, to act safely in society, and how are they policed by a demoralized, under-funded and corrupt police force.
Mayor: Well.. I'm afraid that's apparently quite a difficult question, but my solution is easy. I'm going to talk for a long time about a subject not in anyway related and pretty soon people will forget about it. I'll remind people that I have a great haircut, and under my stewardship our city has had, on average, 15% better weather than before, while crime rates only go up if you don't turn the graph upside down. Turn it upside down, and they have halved- HALVED under me, Mayor Madrid. Vote Madrid for president and you'll have a friendly face in Malacanyang. A man you can trust. A local man who likes golf, and laughing, and photo opportunities at your store or place of business. Just send me a letter. I'll send you an automated, photocopied response. We call it "democracy" and that's where the money goes.
Host: Uh, just a minute-
Mayor: Don't interrupt! Let me finish.
Host: But you're not-
Mayor: This man won't let me speak! You, shorty! Shut up and let me speak! I'm taller than him, ladies and gentlemen, by at least three inches, which means I'm a lot more respectable looking. Everyone knows politicians lie and steal and cheat, but at least with me in charge, you know I look good and I have a very supercilious manner. Besides which, I've been abroad and I prefer it here because I'm a man of the people. Vote Madrid! You'll get richer and you won't feel guilty about it!
Host: Enough! We're running out of time and you completely failed to answer the question.
Mayor: I'm a professional. That's my job.
Host: (sighs) ...And Mr. Ninja, what about you?
Ninja: Alright! These problems are typical of what happens with an open border to the north, east, west and south. The city is filling up with trash; People who can't tell the difference between a swamp and a marsh. Guys who don't know the first thing about the legality of marrying within the family. That's why we need a river. People, I'm telling you pick up your spades and shovels, go into your garden. Start diggin' as deep and as far as you can. Pretty soon, the whole city will be flooded in ruin, and then, they'll have to leave. We must build a moat to the borders or they will come down and ruin this great city.
Host: ..And Mr. Ninja, were you born in this city?
Ninja: Tuhah! What a stuipd question! Of all the cheek!
Host: Were you?
Ninja: Of course not! No one's been born in this city since 1800’s! BUT...! I've been here five years which is a very long time.
Host: Yes it is! A very long time. Almost as long as this show. Ladies and Gentlemen, you are reading Pressing Issues with me, Jericho. Presiding over the least informed debate on the web. In this episode of pressing the issue, we had Mayor Madrid, Jaykore, and Ninja discussing safety. Back to you Josh!
ME: I've guess you've all got to make up your own minds. Should we be as wet as fish,
or a corrupt, money-grabbing thief? I feel we really got somewhere, and that our city and people everywhere know a lot more than they did before we began. And now, I end this stupidity.
Ninja: I'm a patriot! I've even got an orange grove tattooed all over my groin!
Host: Excellent, but back to the matter at hand: Public safety. How do we get guns under control in this city?
Jaykore: By giving everyone hope.. A dream of a better tomorrow. By encouraging people to grow their own root vegetables. What's the satisfaction of holding a gun in your hand when you could be holding a hoe, planting seeds in a peasant village?
Mayor: Keep your "hoes" and "seeds" to yourself. We don't need gun control. If you read the Constitution, it's a sacred document that should not be changed. Under our constitution women couldn't vote, but the politicians come in crying crocodile tears. We need to get scare- mongers and non-believers, men like you Jericho, under control. I've got a good mind to get your funding removed.
Host: We don't get any funding.
Mayor: Exactly. But.. Good! Heh, you won't see a penny out of me! You've got to stop spreading these lies or I'll whip you myself and I'm not afraid. The Constitution inserts a man's right to bear arms, and... and arm bears, and all points in between. Who ever heard of a gun.. or a bear causing problems? This is all cockypop, or.. whatever that word is. It keeps the place safe. Trouble is caused by unemployment, and unemployment comes from poor, economic performance and lazy people. If you had job, would you steal a cellphone? Of course not! ..And if you had a high-rise condo, a mistress, uh... and a seat on the board, would you run around graffitiing your name all over town and making a nuisance of yourself, spinning on your back, and poppin' and lockin' and... Not a hope. It's simple. If you don't have a job, starve. Get out of my constituency by force if necessary, and starve.
Host: That's quite simple. Are you really saying that?
Mayor: Of course I am. Our city is a growing city, and of course there are going to be some growing pains. Well, what I tell people is this: Gather up your life savings, buy yourself a piece of swamp, drain it, and get rid of the damn wildlife, then apply for planning permission. Pretty soon, you can have your own retirement community or resort destination holiday place. You can start making money out of the boom, the... Madrid-inspired boom.. And enjoy the kind of things sensible people have: Personal bodyguards, massive fences, and a bigger collection of guns than the other guy. It stands the reason.
Ninja: No no no no! Keep them out of here! We DO NOT want anymore old folks! If there are any old people listening, go back to your homes! Our city does not want you! Please, die somewhere else! What's wrong with Hawaii or Hong Kong? We want a river! We need a river! The freedom river.
Host: ...And what about the other crimes? It seems car crime, fashion crime, Cell phone snatching crimes, drugs, everything is on the rise.
Jaykore: Absolutely, of course it is! When I was in Uganda people were poor, but they were happy. The more you have, the less you have. That's kind of what I'm all about. Their satisfaction in spending all day weaving a basket, rather than just buying one at the store. At one point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog. It was a dog of love, not of hate. It was a spirit journey.
Host: What ARE you talking about?!?!
Jaykore: I'm talking about hopes... Dreams... The magic of television. Especially public television. Puppets can say what men cannot.
Host: Yes, but how will that stop people taking basketballs flying and pounding the living crap out of each other as I saw at a mother's PTA group meeting recently?
Mayor: Basketball is our national sport- Our national passtime. Joining together as men to reward the act of running around in a circle. I will thank you not to take its name in vain, Jericho.
Ninja: I hate that Summer camp Training. Who do those guys think they are? Comin' here and gettin' in the way... Showin' us no respect! Drinkin' our orange juice and seducin' our womenfolk! Train in your own home, mister! Our national game down here, my friend, is diggin'! Diggin' a big ditch. A ditch of hope, which will flood into a river of freedom. So far, we've dug 17 feet. We're almost free.. Almost! When we are floatin' away in the South China Sea, free to run our way, singing, "Kumbaya!!" in the sunshine! No school, no tax! Free barbeque and pinball for everyone! Sophisticated entertainment!
Host: Yes, but what about the little guy? What about the guy who is standing there saying, "I like being part of Philippines. I like it a lot! I get public internet! I can read about Jericho hosting Pressing Issues! I own a small, one bedroom home.. A business selling flowers to people stuck in traffic.. A dog.. 15 ice cubes.. But I don't feel safe. I'm worried about gangs."
Mayor: Gangs are a myth put out by the pro-administration elite to patronize and demean the working man. I mean, what kind of right-minded youth from a poor background is going to spend his time stealing things and posing in silly clothes, when he could be getting ahead with a minimum wage job and making his parent proud? The dream of every Filipino is to live in a duplex and share a yard. Why.. Why would anyone want to threaten that great future? Answer me that and I'll show you a green dog.
Jaykore: ..And, Speaking for the Pirates, the foundation I set up for my trust fund.. We believe gangs are a valid expression of a people's identity. A grouping.. A community within a community. Gangs are a way to be noticed in the boxy suburbs. You scream out, rather than urinate at the edge of your camp like a proud native. We spray paint our names on the walls at the mall to ward off predators.
Host: ...And that's supposed to terrify people?
Jaykore: No, no! We believe passionately in non-violent solutions to life's problems. Gangs have to learn to love... To be inclusionary. We'd award badges to good gangs, and give bad gangs a silly hat to wear. It would give people something to feel a part of. Kill with kindness, not a garden tool.
Host: Yes, but what about the guy getting beaten up on the street.. or the man having his cell phone stolen? What about him?
Jaykore: ..Or her! Some of the best victims are really women. Anyone can join our group. This is about poor people getting together
Host: ..But your father owns half of this city. How are you part of the working class.
Jaykore: Like I said, possessions are not important at all. I'll pick up a hitchhiker in my convertible any day. The other day, I picked up a young woman and we discussed a non-violent solution to war. We called it peace.
Mayor: Your father is a great man. He's done more for the arms trade in this state than anyone else, myself included, and you shame him with this socialist jiggery-pokery-hoot-nanny. Philippines needs hope, not songs or are supposed to send food to the poor. Songs will get you nowhere. This country needs something to aim for, like being rich and laughing at poor people.. Or, being in government and laughing at the electorate.
Host: Now, now Mr. Madrid. Let's not make this personal. I appreciate your attempt to press the point, but we are here to press the issue! Our city is in trouble, and I think we are not really providing any serious solution. So far, we've got successionism, rearing it's ugly head for the first time in a century and a half. We've got "ignore it" and we've got "give everyone a flower"!You're all a little unrealistic, yes?
(all begin arguing incoherently)
Jaykore: Jericho!
Host: Not to say, "Over-opinionated and moronic," Mr. Jaykore, how do we stop people running amock in the city with machine guns and heavy artillery?
Jaykore: You got to give a man a chance. Prisons are overflowing with wasted potential. Make the guilty men innocent once more. Free them from themselves.
Host: How... How on Earth do you do that?
Jaykore: Well, um.. (brief pause) You can let them off-
Host: Marvelous, great! That's a sensible plan!
Jaykore: Then they wouldn't be guilty anymore!
Mayor: We've been doing that for years, you idiot. How do you think we keep prison costs down? It ain't by magic or cookin' the books (we save that for "education"), but as in most things we in government are saving money so that you don't have to. When we spend less money on services, more goes to administration salaries and expenses which helps make lives a lot less difficult for everybody. It's about sharing; Sharing your taxes out amongst the select few. That's why I worked so hard at school, so I can reap the rewards now.
Host: Mmm...I thought you worked hard at school because the other kids laughed at you and called you "Lampayatot".
Mayor: Tha-That's a damn lie! They called me "basang utot".
Jaykore: They called me "Kambing" because my voice didn't break until I was 19.
Host: So, Mr. Madrid, I take it you don't believe in regulation.
Mayor: I believe in giving people a chance. Not tying them down with lots of needless regulations. The fact is business is run by moral people who won't do anything illegal or try to get rich quickly.
Host: ..But since you got elected, this city has been characterized by a government who cut aid to the poor, offered tax breaks to the rich, and paid people to dump toxic waste near schools.
Mayor: Yes, we've made a lot of progress!
Host: ..And up on congress, you were instrumental in pushing through a bill allowing the manufacture and sale of "Giggle Cream", a dessert with potential lethal consequences.
Mayor: Uh... Not true! Only 23 people have died and several of them probably deserved it.
Host: So, with people being set such a bad example by big business, how are they supposed to respect each other, to act safely in society, and how are they policed by a demoralized, under-funded and corrupt police force.
Mayor: Well.. I'm afraid that's apparently quite a difficult question, but my solution is easy. I'm going to talk for a long time about a subject not in anyway related and pretty soon people will forget about it. I'll remind people that I have a great haircut, and under my stewardship our city has had, on average, 15% better weather than before, while crime rates only go up if you don't turn the graph upside down. Turn it upside down, and they have halved- HALVED under me, Mayor Madrid. Vote Madrid for president and you'll have a friendly face in Malacanyang. A man you can trust. A local man who likes golf, and laughing, and photo opportunities at your store or place of business. Just send me a letter. I'll send you an automated, photocopied response. We call it "democracy" and that's where the money goes.
Host: Uh, just a minute-
Mayor: Don't interrupt! Let me finish.
Host: But you're not-
Mayor: This man won't let me speak! You, shorty! Shut up and let me speak! I'm taller than him, ladies and gentlemen, by at least three inches, which means I'm a lot more respectable looking. Everyone knows politicians lie and steal and cheat, but at least with me in charge, you know I look good and I have a very supercilious manner. Besides which, I've been abroad and I prefer it here because I'm a man of the people. Vote Madrid! You'll get richer and you won't feel guilty about it!
Host: Enough! We're running out of time and you completely failed to answer the question.
Mayor: I'm a professional. That's my job.
Host: (sighs) ...And Mr. Ninja, what about you?
Ninja: Alright! These problems are typical of what happens with an open border to the north, east, west and south. The city is filling up with trash; People who can't tell the difference between a swamp and a marsh. Guys who don't know the first thing about the legality of marrying within the family. That's why we need a river. People, I'm telling you pick up your spades and shovels, go into your garden. Start diggin' as deep and as far as you can. Pretty soon, the whole city will be flooded in ruin, and then, they'll have to leave. We must build a moat to the borders or they will come down and ruin this great city.
Host: ..And Mr. Ninja, were you born in this city?
Ninja: Tuhah! What a stuipd question! Of all the cheek!
Host: Were you?
Ninja: Of course not! No one's been born in this city since 1800’s! BUT...! I've been here five years which is a very long time.
Host: Yes it is! A very long time. Almost as long as this show. Ladies and Gentlemen, you are reading Pressing Issues with me, Jericho. Presiding over the least informed debate on the web. In this episode of pressing the issue, we had Mayor Madrid, Jaykore, and Ninja discussing safety. Back to you Josh!
ME: I've guess you've all got to make up your own minds. Should we be as wet as fish,
or a corrupt, money-grabbing thief? I feel we really got somewhere, and that our city and people everywhere know a lot more than they did before we began. And now, I end this stupidity.
Special thanks to D.J. Lazlow for the idea and excerpts.
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